The Nightmare During Christmas
by an ugly duckling
Summary: After everyone left over the holidays, it's only Blair and Nate in the city. My take on the missing Christmas/New Year's episode. - set after 2x13, I'll try to keep it from becoming too AU.
1. Follow me in merry measure

A/N: This is my first 'Gossip Girl' story. It is sort-of AU... originally I was planning to write a"Christmas" episode that would fit right between "O Brother Where Bart Thou" (2x13) and "In the realm of the Basses" (2x14), but it will eventually become AU (once episode 14 has aired).

Needless to say - it contains spoilers for 2x13 and probably some (minor) ones for 2x14.

I really, really hope you people like this. I'm not sure yet how long it will turn out to be, but I expect more than five chapters. ;)

...

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The Nightmare During Christmas

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**1: Follow me in merry measure**

_And it came to pass in those days that the Winter holidays were, apparently, best not spent in the city. Let's look at how things became all… festive from Bart Bass's funeral on. S made the sweet escape with her own personal Johnny Dweeb to Buenos Aires. The rest of the Rhodes-van-der-Woodsen-Bass monstrosity, which is CeCe, Lily and E, left the city to talk things over or something. E sure looked hyped (you know how he gets)._

_Rufus Humphrey buried himself in shock and rock, while shipping Lonely Boy (who has just become a bit lonelier) and little J off to their mother. It took the newlyweds of the Waldorf-Rose household only 24 hours to get onto the plane to France. We should also mention our favorite Ick-Girl, Vanessa, who took her broke ass home to Vermont._

_Ah, well, and then there was that one departure and the incident with a letter which explained it all… not._

_Spotted:_

_B, without headband, spending the day with everyone's new BFF, Dorota, at Café Sabarsky. Still no news about her shattered half, that took off almost a fortnight ago, which might explain the sunglasses and the amount B ate before heading straight to the ladies' room._

_And then there's N, re-established UES Prince, visiting his father in jail. It's safe to say he is the only visitor The Captain's had in weeks and very unlikely to assume that Mrs. Archibald even knows where the prison is located._

_gossip_ftw mailed in, stating that even she and her friends have received calls from both the Waldorf and the Archibald residence, asking if they had any information about a certain Chuck Bass's whereabouts. Unfortunately, they were of no help. No kidding._

_Things truly seem grave._

_Deck the halls, Upper East Siders, 'tis the season to be jolly. And, with only the former Golden Couple in town, I'll be counting my blessings._

_And who am I? That's another secret I'll never tell._

_You know you love me._

_XOXO,_

_Gossip Girl_


	2. Ring out the old, ring in the new

Thank you to bibleboymary4ever and Princess Persephone, I'm really glad you guys liked it (especially the Gossip Girl "voice" !) and found the time to write a review. Also big thanks to all those who have subscribed to "The Nightmare During Christmas"! I hope you all like where this is going.

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**2: Ring out the old, ring in the new**

Blair Waldorf was dying. At least, it felt like it: every shudder, every star dancing before her eyes was tearing her soul into tiny little pieces.

It was three days before Christmas Eve and she had never felt worse. Not when her father had left with Roman. For Roman. Not when Serena hadn't called, hadn't written, hadn't existed for a year. Not when Nate had shaken his head and told her about the Shepherd wedding and all the lies.

Since Chuck's departure after his father's funeral, she had been alone, and the past days had taken a toll on her. Her mother had left for Paris, Serena hadn't called from Argentina and then she had found herself standing in front of Nate, Nate, who had lied and cheated and kissed her, and she had given him the number of a dozen airlines and told him in a hoarse whisper she couldn't call them because her voice wouldn't work. Nate had looked at her like he understood – which he never had – and dialled the first number and she had stared at the dark walls and concentrated on standing up straight.

Finally, his eyes had met hers (only for a second) and he had told her about Chuck and Bangkok and shook his head and tried to touch her shoulder and Blair had ordered herself to go through the five stages of grief immediately.

She had shrugged Nate's hand off, turned on her heels and left him standing there, explaining in a clear, not at all hoarse voice that she didn't want anything to do with him ("Thanks and goodbye").

When she had reached the safety of the Waldorf-Rose penthouse, she had slammed all doors she could find and told Dorota to never let her eat Thai food again. Ever.

All night she had sat in front of her mirror and thought of solutions, wearing his necklace and his dress and thinking of Victrola and revenge against Georgina.

In the morning, she had to lock herself in the bathroom for the first time since Thanksgiving 2007 and she had cried, because it was all she could do.

That had been almost one week ago.

Now, resting her head against the cold tiles, she decided to enter the stage of acceptance.

Blair got up and flushed her soul down the toilet.

.

Nate Archibald was crying. At least, it felt like it: every raindrop, every breeze clinging to his face was crawling through his skin and drowning his senses.

His father had been inapproachable and Nate had never hated him more – loved him more – than when he had seen him behind the glass wall. He had forgotten every word he had wanted to say ("We miss you", which was a lie, and "I'm proud of you", which wasn't, but it wasn't the truth either). They had both picked up their phones and Nate had said Hi and his father had said How is your mother? and Nate had lied and said She's fine.

His father had mentioned Bart Bass and shaken his head. Nate hadn't said anything, because there was nothing but Chuck and Bangkok and The number you have dialled is unobtainable.

The Captain had stared at the glass wall and Nate had rested his head against the receiver and tried to say that everything was his fault (because maybe – just maybe – it would make everything alright again) and he was sorry, but he hadn't opened his mouth and his father hadn't understood.

After five minutes, Nate had heard himself say that he wished they could start over again and his father had looked at the glass and told him he was being ridiculous. And just when Nate had opened his mouth to remind him of good times (because there surely had to be some), The Captain had hung up and walked away without looking back.

Walking away: They all seemed to be doing that recently and even without the glass wall, Nate wouldn't have known how to stop anyone. First Chuck, texting him from God knew where, telling him to stop caring. Then Vanessa, calling him on her way to Vermont and apologizing, and he had felt himself not caring at all. Chuck was missing and his phone was dead.

A week ago, Blair had suddenly stood in his doorway and whispered something. She had been lying (her voice was fine) and she hadn't understood – which she never had – and walked away.

The whole ride home, Nate had been in a haze, his ears ringing, hands clasping at his jacket. He wasn't quite sure how he had managed to get out of the limousine and through the shower outside, he felt like he was being ripped apart by a storm.

Now, opening the door, he heard his mother crying in the bathroom, like she had done every time she knew he would notice, and he decided to repress the storm and leaned against the door.

Nate smiled, fought against the drowning and told her it would be alright.

_._

_Ring out, wild bells, it feels like the world is ending for two of our most precious Upper East Siders. Turns out this year's Christmas Mass spells m-__**e**__-double s._


	3. You better watch out

Guys, I'm sorry I didn't update earlier, but I was really busy with Real Life Christmas. Thank you all for the lovely reviews! I hope this will satisfy some of your wishes - it's not much (sorry), but I'll make sure to finish the next chapter in the morning (it's 2 am over here in Germany).

Just a note so you'll catch some of the more uncommon references - "Wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful! How could it be anything else?" was actually a tagline for "It's a wonderful life", "We won't go until we get some" is part of the "We wish you a merry Christmas" lyrics.

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**3: You better watch out**

Routine. It was all she could think of and it was all she could handle. The Christmas tree was as tall as each year, the room was decorated with Yale blue ribbons and holly.

Blair descended the stairs, smiling as she saw Dorota waiting to help her with the new black velour cocoon coat. She flattened her Valentino georgette dress (more something Serena would wear, but then again, there wasn't much Serena _wouldn't_ wear) and straightened the headband.

"When will dinner be served?"

"At quarter to ten, Miss Blair."

Blair nodded, silently taking in the trimmed tree and the empty rooms. "Fine." Her voice sounded distant and her eyes lingered on the shining lights for two seconds too long, but then she turned, grabbed her coat and was just about to enter the elevator, when her cell phone went off.

Chuck, she thought. Chuck texting from Bangkok. Blair's mind went through millions of scenarios, movie titles and how she would answer his heart-broken plea for help and the declaration of his undying love ("Wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful! How could it be anything else?") but then she saw the screen – Gossip Girl, updating her homepage with the peculiar title "Home Alone" and an equally peculiar photo of Nate right next to it.

Against her own will (not Chuck, they had to get to church, Nate of all people, it wasn't her business, she was just as bad off) Blair read the news, her eyes growing wider and her brows furrowing...

-

"_Home Alone_

_Seems like the Archibalds are the absolute epitome of holiday spirit. Be it Thanksgiving (2006 splitting up at the Waldorf dinner, 2007 spending most of the time arguing and OD-ing and this year topping it all off with all that hostage-stuff and the FBI and jail) or Christmas (some of you might remember Nate's impromptu Monaco vacation last year), this "family" could definitely use some good tidings._

_Well, sorry (I guess), but this is not the time for those._

_Apparently, Anne Archibald has decided to be the Grinch this year. Except for the happy ending, of course. But still. She was seen leaving the Archibald's townhouse only minutes ago, telling her driver she had _just _decided to spend the next days with her parents. Impromptu ftw, but on the other hand – wtf. Coming home for Christmas alright, but is it just me or is someone missing in this picture?!_

_Right. No statement from our beloved Prince Charming (yet?), who was actually away running in the park. That's right _

_Anne – if you're reading this, that is – happy waspy Christmas to you and your obvious flaws in the parent department."_

_-  
_

"Dorota?"

"Yes, Miss Blair?"

"Change of plans. We'll stop by at Nate's. There's… something I have to take care of. Someone, I think."

Catching Dorota's gaze, she stuffed away her phone and threw her hands in the air. "I know. I know! Helping him! Wonderful! How could it be anything else?"

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_Looks like Blair is on her "Save Nate" mission …6.0!? All I want for Christmas is a Mistletoe hanging in the right place at the right time. __We won't go until we get some…_

_I certainly know I love them._

_XOXO, Gossip Girl_


	4. We'll have to muddle through somehow

The chapter title was taken from the original (even more depressing) version of "Have yourself a merry little Christmas". Merry Christmas to y'all!

Oh - and to avoid further confusion (I'm sorry, BN x love!), St. Bart's is not only an island ;) but also the colloquial name for the Church St. Bartholomew's on the east side of Park Avenue (and what I considered appropriate for an UES Christmas).

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**4: ****We'll have to muddle through somehow**

Snow was falling as Nate turned around the corner and went up the townhouse. Running had failed to take his mind off of things and his sprained ankle certainly didn't help matters.

Grabbing his keys, he noticed the limo was gone – hadn't they agreed at one point this morning that they would go to church at eight? – but when he opened the front door, he forgot immediately. The fur coat, the Christian Louboutins and the Cashmere scarf that had been there all day had vanished and the lights were switched off in the hallway.

Emptiness surrounded him and his mind wandered back to the days when the house had been seized. A wave of anxiety hit him, but the furniture was still there, the heat was turned up and he was sure he could hear voices from the dining room.

"Mom?" Not even bothering to close the door, he switched the light on, slowly limped through the hall toward the room and looked into the surprised faces of the cook and the housemaid. "Uh, sorry. I'm…" he looked around the room, "I'm actually looking for my mother…"

Their faces fell and then the maid stepped forward and said something about the Vanderbilt side of the family and a limousine to JFK and Christmas at home and then she said "Didn't she discuss it with you?"

Nate looked to the floor. Here we go again, he thought. The drained account ("He said he discussed it with you"). The escape to Dominica ("I left you a note at home"). The time alone in town ("I'm sure you understand I'm staying in the Hamptons for now"). But this was Christmas and she hadn't even bothered to leave a note.

Closing his eyes, he tried to keep his balance. "Right." Struggling for words, he nodded slowly and turned to go upstairs before something would snap inside him.

"Archibald!"

He looked up and there was Blair, standing in his doorway like she had been ten days ago. Blair, snowflakes in the dark hair, clutch purse in her hand and blue headband shining in the light. It was Nate's voice which was cracking this time as he tried to keep her from coming in (Anything. Anyone but Blair, because with Blair Chuck would enter, and Serena, and all the past Christmases).

"Oh, shush. I read about it on Gossip Girl."

Which was the last thing he wanted to hear. Gossip Girl. And once again, everyone would know.

"Awesome. That's great, Blair. Why are you here?"

She looked at him bewildered. "Because of … that."

Blair sounded firm, but there was an edge to her words that he couldn't quite identify and his own control was slipping away ever so slowly.

.

_It's because of you, Nathaniel. From now on, your troubles might be out of sight - __it's charity, it's what she does._

_.  
_

Blair remembered telling him about Catherine and Marcus (the image burned into her brain forever) and the news from the mess Vanessa Abrams had created. She remembered him asking her to visit The Captain together. Breaking up with him ("He needs you. I don't.") and the truth about ChuckandBlair hitting him. Chuck. He had told her about the incident with Carter Baizen and the Lost Weekend and about The Captain's getaway to Dominica.

Nate was the one person you always had to save from something, someone, sometimes from himself, and who never wanted to be saved.

She saw his face, turned away and grim, and she had no idea why she truly had come here in the first place. They weren't the same (they never had been).

"So. She… didn't tell you?"

He shook his head and gripped the banister a bit tighter.

"I'm sorry, Nate." And it was true. She was sorry, because it was one thing to get postcards and phone calls from your mother, father and two step-fathers from France but she would choose it over father and jail and mother disappearing without a word on Christmas Eve any day.

"Dorota and I were planning on going to St. Bart's." She wrinkled her nose a bit. "Which is admittedly a rather unfortunate name for a place of reflection." Pausing, she looked him over. "Get changed, Archibald, you're joining us."

.

_Spotted: Two lonely hearts reunited. By misery, unfortunately, but anyway - we're delighted. Come on, all ye faithful readers – is it really just charity or will we finally get some clarity?_


	5. Love’s pure light

Whew. Third chapter within 24 hours and the longest (and, for me, the most emotionally draining to write) yet. Now it's your turn, guys ;) I just want to remind everyone that this story is a "Drama/Friendship" one. Exactly. Oh, and this chapter includes the first reason for the T-rating: Profanity.

Here's hoping you'll like it.

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**5: Love's pure light**

He was wearing the Navy Blue Armani Suit that went with her headband and a scarf that was in line with her light gray dress, he was holding each door open for her and getting her a service book. They weren't talking or looking at each other, but they didn't need to: everything was still a matter of routine. He knew her pace, he knew that she liked to sit facing the engine, right in the middle of the seat, and he didn't ask when she pressed her lips tightly together and didn't sing a word of "Silent Night".

Dorota was accompanying them and watching their every move (every open door, every slowing of his steps) with alert eyes. Blair noticed and therefore controlled each movement she made.

When they left St. Bart's at quarter past nine, the bells were ringing in the air and the snow was crunching beneath their feet, and for a split second, Blair had to fight the sudden urge to snuggle against Nate's coat and put her hand into his and tell him she loved him. It was all too familiar, too conversant, and she could almost feel Chuck's snowball missing Nate's ear and hitting the back of her head, she could hear herself yelling at him and Serena laughing and attempting to make a snow angel, only prevented by Lily's quick interaction. Eric would shake his head and wink at her and Nate would pull her closer to his chest and kiss her hair and maybe they would all have dinner together at The Carlyle. It would be perfect, because all their parents would be there and smile and all their problems would wait until tomorrow.

Blair shook her head and bit own on her lower lip.

Too perfect. They were gone and dead and missing and Chuck hadn't called.

As they were walking up to the limousine, Nate fell back behind her, and as she was getting into the car, she could see him fumbling with a button on his coat.

"What?" She sounded exasperated and tried to tone it down with a smile, but he didn't even look at her. It's not his fault, she told herself, it's not his fault that everything we had went down the drain. But another voice was screaming inside her, because yes, of course it was his fault – the Shepherd wedding, the lies and every time he had tried to get her back and told her he loved her it had been because of some business deal.

"I'm gonna walk back… home."

His voice was monotone and for the first time she looked at him – really looked at him – and opened her mouth. Suppressing the sadness inside her, she rolled her eyes. "Don't be ridiculous, Nate. You're limping." Ignoring Dorota's stern face, she heard herself adding: "And besides, when I was talking about you joining us, I meant the whole evening. Get in the car. Now. It's freezing."

.

He managed. Getting in the car, getting out of the car, taking the elevator, taking off the coat, sitting down at the set table, silently eating Christmas dinner, alone in a room full of mirrors and paintings and chandeliers.

Right after dinner, Blair, in a dress that was more like something Serena would wear, got the Brandy and sent Dorota to bed. After ten minutes of staring into their glasses, she excused herself, went to the bathroom and didn't come back. After ten more minutes and two glasses of Brandy, he followed her, leaning against the bathroom door.

"Blair?"

At first there was no answer, but then he thought he heard her say: "Go away." It was enough for him to press the handle down. Locked. Of course.

"Blair, what's wrong?"

More silence, followed by an unconvincing "Nothing."

"Let me in."

He didn't receive an answer, so he pressed the handle down once more. It took maybe a minute, but then he could hear heels coming closer, stopping somewhere on the other side of the door.

Nate sighed. "Come on."

Silence, but then a sob escaped through the wooden door and Nate found himself taking a step back. "You're worrying me, Blair."

There was a bang as her hand hit the inner side of the door. "Fuck you, Nate!_ Fuck you!_" The words were hardly audible through the sobs. "I'm _worrying_ you? Now? All those fucking years, all those times, and _now_ you're worried?"

Nate stared at the door, white spots dancing before his eyes. He opened his mouth but no words found their way to his lips, except for "Blair", "Blair", again and again.

"You know what? I loved you, Nate, I loved every second around you, but you were never really there, never cared. I loved you with all my heart and soul, but for you it was just Serena, Serena, _always _Serena, all the time, all these years…"

He couldn't believe she was bringing this up now. Trying to keep his voice untroubled, he interrupted Blair's crying. "Blair, you _never _loved me. You only loved the idea of you and me, the matching colors, the talk of the Golden Couple, the movie-like scenes you scripted in your head. You loved the little golden heart on my sleeve and the prospect of being voted Prom Queen and King."

Nate could hear her sliding down the wall and her voice was unlike Blair, raw and real. "… and every time I was puking my fucking guts out you were laughing and joking and playing _lacrosse,_ having sex with Serena, smoking hash with _Chuck_…" Her voice trembled. "Leave. Now."

The world was crashing down.

Falling on his knees, his fingers touching the white paint of the bathroom door, he whispered "What?" and "No." and on the other side her face was leaning against his hand without one of them realizing it.

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_Neither charity nor clarity but definitely some verity. There are some things that people who have been together "since kindergarten" should know about their partners, and this is definitely one of them. Anything but silent, this feels more like a violent night… XOXO, Gossip Girl  
_


	6. A cup of kindness

It's not much, but it's all I could do for tonight. Thank you all very, very much for your kind reviews, I'm glad you guys ike it - and I hope this will satisfy you (until the next chapter, that is)! XOXO

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**6: A cup of kindness**

He didn't know how much time had passed. Around him, darkness had crept in every corner of his body, it had become cold and his hand hadn't left the door, the words hadn't left his lips, the sound of her crying was forever sealed away in his mind, in his bones.

She had never told him and he had never noticed. In all those years.

He didn't know when the door had slowly opened and his arm had been pushed away. He hadn't looked up or dared to touch the fragile dark figure that slowly walked through the doorframe.

She had bent down and her voice had echoed through the room, but he hadn't moved (if he hadn't noticed that, what else was there?), caught up in the childish belief that "if I can't see you, you can't see me", and he had only wanted to disappear, to cease to exist and to hurt.

He didn't know how (why) she had pulled him up, how they had gotten down the stairs to the fireplace, but her voice and his name, bound together by darkness, seemed to guide him. Shadows were dancing on the walls as she closed the curtains and then the clock struck midnight.

Nate raised his head. Curled up in a cashmere blanket, back against the sofa, was Blair, eyes fixed on the flames. He thought she looked like Katharine Hepburn, and he told her so.

Blair's eyes didn't leave the fire. "_Audrey_. Audrey Hepburn."

He exhaled slowly. "No. The Philadelphia Story." They had watched it countless times and his heart broke when her eyes lit up and she quoted the exact same words he had thought of but not dared to say out loud, because he could only see Serena when he heard them: "I don't want to be worshipped, I just want to be loved." Did she smile? "Tracy Lord. Yes, you're right."

And it felt like her fourteenth birthday and sipping martinis and making wishes as they were watching falling stars. They were kids and their lives were already over, and here they were and it was the first day of the rest of their lives, and she had just thrown up and he had just lost everything he thought he had and Chuck was in Bangkok and his eyes burned and his heart raced and God, he was dying and he gasped for breath and… "Blair".

Her eyes were fixed on the flames.

"Blair, how did we end up like this?"

Finally, she looked up.

Opening her mouth, she almost answered: "You slept with Serena", but then she saw his face and she knew he was already expecting her to say it, to hurt him and herself (and Serena), and she also knew that it was a lie, because her father had been gay before the Shepherd Wedding, and she could remember all the times in the bathroom before Serena had left, and Nate had always crashed on Chuck's couch at least twice a week (because there was home and then there was _home_).

Chuck. Everywhere, hiding under every stone she picked up to throw at Nate.

"I don't know, Nate. I guess we've lost ourselves."

There were tears in her eyes, and she wanted nothing more than to cling to Nate's shoulders and let him rescue her from the darkness. But his eyes met hers and she couldn't see any strength inside and it scared her. He let his fingers run through his hair and shook his head.

"I'm so… so sorry. For everything."

She didn't react and Nate, overcome with sudden emotion, went on: "For every time I disappointed you and wasn't there and didn't know and let you down. You … Blair, you have no idea. Everything has changed, I…," he looked away, "sometimes I wish things went back to how they were, you and me… I … I don't think I ever realized how much I…" His voice died and he stared at her.

"No." Blair's answer was calm. "Nate, you're just thinking that because your dad wasn't in jail and your mom was coping, because there were no colleges and you had never met the Duchess, you had never betrayed anyone and because we were all friends back then."

Nate held his hand only inches above her knee, opening his palm. "I thought we were friends now."

Blair didn't look up, but laid her hand in his.

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_Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? __There have been Christmas miracles before, but this is truly exceptional. And no, I'm not jealous. As a wise woman once said: "__Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love." Looks like B and N have just gotten both combined. _


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